Battling Postpartum Depression...Again
It is so easy to thank God when He blesses you or when something great happens in your life. I can look back at every wonderful moment and every traumatic instant and see exactly where He was in each. I am finding, though, that I am thanking Him more and more for the hard times...even before I feel Him rush in.
I frequently post pictures of our sweet new baby or kind words for the people in my life that I am thankful for. But I don't think I have ever posted on a bad day and been real about how hard life can be at times. Today is one of those days and Adelyne and I have not even made it out of bed yet. For 3 months now, I have been battling postpartum depression. You can imagine the guilt and shame that comes with that when you know how hard we believed for our sweet girl. I have battled it with each baby and miscarriage that I have had, but this time has been very different.
The revelation that I had over a year ago was that I have lived my whole life without really feeling each moment, physically or emotionally; and I can't help but wonder if I would be a better wife, mom or friend had I really pressed in to God during those times. Because of this revelation, we chose to do everything naturally through the pregnancy and delivery. We decided that we wanted to avoid prescriptions that I have depended on in the past to get me through those times, if possible. Please don't misunderstand - I am very thankful for doctors and wisdom they have been given. There are times when medical intervention is absolutely necessary. For me, however, I know I relied on it too much. I vowed, though, if it got to the point that was harmful, I would absolutely call my primary care physician. Choosing to walk through this time with no buffers, but tempering that edge by surrounding ourselves with people that truly love us and thanking God through "the waiting", has undoubtedly been the difference.
Ricky and I discussed yesterday what the point of having social media was if we only posted highlights of happy moments. That seems so opposite of what life is really about. The times that you may feel alone, I believe, are so that you can learn how to press into God and depend on Him to comfort you through it. This past week was not easy and forcing myself out of bed each day seemed more difficult than the day before. Life is hard, even if you know God or have a legitimately wonderful life. Sometimes you just need to feel what you are experiencing and surround yourself with real people that are willing to encourage you, walk with you and share how they have made it from point A to point B. Strength looks different to each of us and I have definitely not made it to the other side of this completely. For me today, strength looks like being able to open the blinds in my room and tell you how good God is. I take courage that He sees me, sees my effort and has a purpose for everything. If there is anything you are barely hanging onto or need God to show up for, don't forget...He can never fall off of His throne and He always shows up!