Afraid of My Wife

I was sitting in my car one day at lunch when I heard clear as day: “stop being afraid”. Obviously, God had to have been talking about my future or business ideas that I had been pondering for some time. I treated it as such and went on about my life. As the year passed and I took the leaps in faith for business that I knew He wanted me to take, I continued to struggle internally. There was an underlying gap in my marriage. My dreams felt like they were getting further and further away. And worst of all…I couldn’t even say it out loud…I was afraid of my wife and it was crippling me.

When you think of fear, you think of scary movies or something tragic happening in your life. The dictionary defines fear as:

“an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat;

to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.”

You don’t think of your wife - who is clearly not a danger physically. Although she and I share the same principles and beliefs on many topics, we are very different. I grew up without much affirmation or affection, while her whole being is love and emotion. We had many disagreements that I would not bend on because we couldn’t bridge the gap between what she felt and what I believed. I never felt like it was too terribly harmful until it began to challenge the parts of me that had been buried for as long as I could remember. Regrettably, I was unable to be there for her through the post-partum depression she endured with our first child because I did not understand it. That is how I justified it, anyways. The truth was, that while she struggled openly with God and those closest to her, I suffered silently because I did not realize that depression was something that had attached itself to me, probably since I was a child or pre-teenager. I believed that this was just how I was wired.

The day I came home from work and she asked if I wanted to try her latest craze to help with her anxiety and energy level, I complied. A friend of hers had mentioned that this natural oil might be perfect for the areas that she needed help with. I figured since it was natural, why not? She noticed a difference immediately, while I continued to tell her that I did not. A day or two after the seven day trial was over, however, I felt a huge decline in my temperament and focus. I shrugged it off that I was just having a rough week at work after being at home the previous three weeks with our new baby. But the nosedive in my mood kept getting worse and there was nothing that she or anyone else was doing that I could blame it on. It had disguised itself for so many years, but having watched my wife deal with it openly, I knew that this definitely had to be a form of depression.

Men are not supposed to battle this. God labels my role as: leader, protector and provider. So why would I be dealing with this now? Why at all? I already knew the answer to this, but had to be real with myself and my wife if I was ever going to stop this cycle that had given birth to other character flaws. Brothers, if you are married and you struggle with anything, look to your wife to help you. God placed her as a mirror image in your life to make it easy to see where you are weak or where you might be struggling. He does this so that you can be vulnerable with Him and so you can let her be your helper. 

My wife was a threat to me because she was the embodiment of everything I was running from. I needed to be able to feel again so that I could be aware of something that so many people struggle with. Did the oil heal me? I think it helped, coupled with the willingness to be honest. Do I understand depression completely or why it began at such a young age? Not entirely. What I do recognize is that it makes me stronger for living through it and utilizing the person God put in my life to be truthful with. If you are not married, ask God to show you someone in your life that you can trust. I am confident that we are not supposed to live this life closed off and isolated from Him or from the ones that He has strategically placed around us. I was not afraid of my wife. The enemy was. If she was strong enough to beat depression so many times, then the odds of her being sensitive to that spirit in our home significantly increased my chances for victory. He has already given us the victory, we just have to walk it out.

Deuteronomy 20:4 

For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.

Isaiah 43:1

But now, this is what the Lord says…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.