I Am Recovering From Rejection and Control...My Name is Amanda
A year seems pretty lengthy if you number each day on a calendar. When you are looking for someone that you haven’t seen since you were 7 or 8, though, it doesn’t seem so long. I barely remembered this girl and what she looked like, but I had a feeling that when I found her, I would recognize her immediately. She was adventurous, funny, fearless and always acted like she could have anything in life. That person was me and I devoted the last year to find her.
If I have learned anything in 34 years, it is that life is just tough sometimes. Things happen to each of us that mold us into the person we become. There were many years of me blaming others or looking to my husband to fix me. When you don’t realize that you are dependent in a destructive way, stepping out on your own to find help seems almost insane. It is extremely unhealthy when you are unable to seek help without someone else holding your hand. I think God must have a sense of humor in how he matches people together. I became someone completely dependent - where my husband lived through things in his childhood that forced him to believe he did not need anyone. Thank God, we both realized this year that we had to seek God on our own. This was the only way to truly find our identity in Him so that we could lean into one another.
It wasn’t that hard for me to sit on the end of my bed last May and tell my husband that post-partum was getting me again. It was easy to say it because it was a rerun in my life that I was familiar watching and it felt normal. I wanted him to have the answer or be able to do something to make me forget how I was feeling. That did not happen. I prayed and prayed and the only thing I was hearing or felt sure of was that I was not supposed to hide it and I was supposed to seek help without Ricky. So I posted to the world that I was battling post-partum depression and waited for God to show me the next step. He did.
I felt almost ashamed walking into Celebrate Recovery for the first time because I always thought that it was for people that had really “big issues”…only to find out my problems were far more serious because I kept them hidden for so long. When I was asked what my biggest problem was, I said that it was post-partum depression and the stubbornness of my husband. Ha! Now, that it is laughable. Then, however, I truly believed my life would change if God just took the depression away and told my husband to get it together. Strangely, there was never any judgment for any ridiculous thing that came out of my mouth. No one ever told me my feelings were invalid or said the typical: I needed to “pray more” or “have more faith”. The only thing they asked of me was that I keep coming back. No matter how absurd I felt or how challenging it was going to get – all I had to do was come back. Pretty simple if that is all I had to do to find that girl who used to be entirely free. As time passed, I understood why they have you introduce yourself each time with what you are recovering from. If you don't acknowledge it, you never overcome it. I do not want to be defined by rejection and the need to control, so I was honest with myself. What happens when you move when God tells you to move and walk where he has told you to walk? A domino effect that shifts everything into motion.
That was the first Tuesday in June a year ago. Being vulnerable in front of a group of women every single Monday night for a year was no cake walk. Yet, during that time I realized I had forgotten who I actually was. I used to be fearless and love life. I used to climb ladders or anything tall and jump off because I believed I could fly. Rejection and hurt turned me into someone that was scared to take any chances and was always on guard. Basically, it made me take on the persona of someone that was comfortable hurting. What I love about that and the past year is that I could never place blame on anyone. I couldn’t argue with anybody because that is not how CR works. I had to own my decisions and recognize what happened to me as a child, teenager and young wife. I also had to accept that my story is something that God has always had His hand in. The only thing I had to do was take the first step and He met me right where I was at. After that, He touched every single part of my life.
The ripple effect that has taken place over the last year is unbelievable. This would turn into a novel if I tried to account for everything that has happened. I stepped into His will and He took care of the rest. I can’t help but be proud of myself today as I get ready to attend my graduation at Celebrate Recovery. I did not need my husband or anyone else to hold my hand to find help. The life and freedom I have gained from seeking God alone and finding myself is worth so much more than I could have ever expected. That girl I was looking for wasn't that hard to find once I trusted God to be who He says He is. If there is a giant in your life, please don’t run from it. Don’t wait for someone else to push you or think everyone else around you needs to seek help first. Ask God how He wants you to face it. It may take a month, a year or even longer. It may not be the same avenue He told me to take. I am convinced, though, that He has given you the same ability to gain victory in your life that He has given to me.
1 John 5:4
…for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.