Birthing God’s Surprises
Over a year has passed since I wrote Adelyne’s birth story: “Birthing God’s Promises”. I finally got them on a nap schedule, so I better hurry up and get Zion’s written before they switch things up on me and one of them goes through another sleep regression!
I feel like I need to mention at the beginning of this that we had planned on trying for one more baby around the time Adelyne turned one. That way, they would be around two or two and a half years apart and I could have one out of diapers and more independent than the other. I don’t sound controlling at all, do I! Well, while we were out celebrating Adelyne’s four month birthday, I started to feel a little off. My hormones were already out of control because I was knee deep in postpartum depression from Adelyne’s birth, so I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Could it be another level of depression?
All four pregnancy tests proved that theory wrong with two heavy pink lines. How in the world would I even begin to share this news with Ricky when he was already having to support me through PPD and a new baby? Well, naturally, I would tell him in an argument that we were having about my mood swings, ha! Please understand I am an emotional being anyway, so cut me some slack for being sleep deprived, having a newborn attached to me at all times, climbing my way through PPD and finding out that I was expecting again! “Why Lord?” - I asked at least a hundred times. He gave me no answer.
The prenatal appointments were about to start up again, and I became more and more used to the idea of this new baby completing our family. The original due date was Adelyne’s birthday - What the what? Exactly one year apart??? How did we manage that? I was about to attend my first prenatal appointment when I was positive I was miscarrying this new life. Again, I sat alone crying and asking God why He was putting me through this up and down roller coaster. I have miscarried twice, so I knew the drill. What had I done to deserve this heartache again when I finally started thanking Him for this pregnancy? Well, His peace showed up when my Midwife met me at the sonographer’s office on a Sunday afternoon. I remember her peace and strength asking Him to cover the entire situation - which He did. There was Zion’s little heartbeat beating strong.
I knew, that I knew, that this baby would be another girl. A sweet baby sister for Adelyne! They would be one year apart…the clothes would all fit the same because the sizes and seasons would be exact…easy peasy. “It’s a boy”, the sonographer said smiling. What? I have been right about the gender of all of my babies! Except this one. I finally started to see what God was saying: “Stop trying to control everything and trust me.” Fine, but back to the drawing board on names because this little guy could not be named Everleigh! Meanwhile, my journey with PPD and really getting to the root of why I was prone to depression was not getting any easier. I am most raw and vulnerable when I am emotional, so all of my hormones allowed me to verbalize things I hadn’t been able to in years. It made sense to me now why all of this unfolded the way that it did.
Fast forward to April. I was a veteran at childbearing and delivering babies by now, so did I really need to prepare myself for this delivery and postpartum? Emphatically, yes. The physical training was not nearly as difficult as the mental game I was about to be tagged back into. We had passed Adelyne’s birthday by a few days and on the night of the 24th, I told Ricky: “We are having this baby tomorrow.”
I had asked God multiple times to allow me to really be able to breathe through contractions with this birth because my last labor went so fast. I woke up at about 5 AM with contractions and told Ricky I was going to shower and make sure that the contractions were consistent. They were, so I called my aunt and told her that we would probably need her to come stay with Adelyne so we could make our way to the birthing center. Contractions were only about 3 minutes apart and were getting stronger as we pulled in to the parking lot. They hurt, but I was able to breathe through them this time with no nausea and no yelling. Ricky was most relieved about this probably! We were greeted by our midwife and we got settled in. I just knew that I would have this baby within the hour and have him in the tub just like I did Adelyne.
Wrong again. We breathed through what seemed like 10,000 contractions together. I was in and out of the tub a couple times. My sweet friend and chiropractor adjusted me many times and prayed with me. When I noticed the clock said 2 PM, I thought there is no way I have been doing this since this morning! After changing positions, getting adjusted, walking a million stairs (okay maybe like one flight six or seven times), we decided to check the dilation. I was at a 7, but there was scar tissue on my cervix from a biopsy years earlier that was keeping me from dilating all the way. As soon as she checked me, my water broke and that baby was not waiting. There was no time to get back in the tub, so I gave it a few good pushes, and Ricky caught his son just like he did his daughter one year before. This labor was so gratifying, but the delivery was INTENSE. Any Mom that has pushed life through her knows exactly what I mean. Adrenaline kicks in and your body takes over. It is so wild to me how as soon as you hear your child cry, yourself fades and tears build up instantly…and it has proven to be true with all 5 of my babies no matter how old they get.
Baby Zion was finally here and weighed the exact same as Adelyne. The passion that overflowed as I watched this new life stare at me was overwhelming. I did nothing to deserve it. I didn’t even plan this pregnancy. But God did.
Right after Zion’s birth, I graduated from the program I had started a year earlier for PPD. Coincidence that I endured a rough year of training to be able to steer my thoughts and emotions in a skillful way? Friend, there are no coincidences in God’s plan. I have still walked through PPD with Zion, but this time from a much higher view. My open battle and victory with depression has brought others to me that wouldn’t have admitted it before. My husband has found victory in this arena as well. Birthing God’s sweet surprise with this precious baby gave me a sense of completion like I have never felt before. Every time Zion smiles his sweet grin at me, I feel my heavenly Father smiling at me. That – I knew exactly what you needed when you had no clue - kind of smile.
May the Lord smile down on you and show you his kindness. May the Lord answer your prayers and give you peace.